In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
#CatsOnTwitter
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping