Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.