Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
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Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
dutch so unserious
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”