Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
You Might Also Like
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
synchronized noseblowing
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”