Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.