Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan