Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.