media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
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Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.