The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where鈥檚 your father?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Best seat on the street 馃槏
I couldn鈥檛 take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that鈥檚 like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you鈥檙e doing with your life
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it鈥擨 call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*