Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex