RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You Might Also Like
i wish we could shoplift online
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Don’t make me out nice you.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.