the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Florida be like…
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast