I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Encore…
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.