Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”