[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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Good morning, Twitter x
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
me: my friends:
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Sell your car