No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.