[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?