Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
They’re called werewolves.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”