If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Lmao
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”