If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Some people were born into their job.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.