Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Woke up against my better judgement again
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV