I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.