If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
#CatsOnTwitter
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps