Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
You Might Also Like
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …