Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I love art.