a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
You Might Also Like
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked