AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
All set.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
What?!?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Autocorrect completely socks
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*