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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.