Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
dogs can find happiness so easily
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
And that about sums it up.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear