[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
is this meant to deter me
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*