Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?