The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.