Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
You Might Also Like
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.