I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.