Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.