Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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nyc:
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
anyone else like Italian cereal
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
How did we not see this back then?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken