After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]