😏😏😏
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
guilty
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert