some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.