Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH