Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.