Webb. James Webb.
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Monica just destroyed the internet
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.