*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Thank you corporation very cool
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it