Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
You Might Also Like
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
tinder is all about the long game
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!