Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You Might Also Like
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
shit just got real
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.