Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.