Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
You Might Also Like
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.