I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I support this random dude and all his protests
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse