Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
i love modern commerce
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.