ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Ghost costume 😂
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup